Keeping Up Appearances

As Triathletes, our motus operandi  should be to take the best of our three parent sports and cultivate the resulting blend into one sexy, endurance triumvirate. Unfortunately, we often miss the bus and are left with some of the dregs of swimming, cycling, and running's collective fashion barrel. In the interest of giving our single-sport brethren less ammunition when it comes to who can make fun of who better, here are a few tips for staying stylish, because after all, it's not about how fast you are, it's how good you look that matters most.

Rule 1: Never, Ever Wear a Speedo. 

One of the very last triathlon Speedos in existence, as rocked by Faris al Sultan (photo courtesy of  the venerable Timothy Carlson)

Suffering from the inclination to rock the mankini come raceday? Don't. The notorious budgie smuggler , as it's known to Aussie triathletes down South, should've died out like the dinosaurs when the comet of Common Sense hit triathlon in the late-90s. The notorious and hilariously-satirical Underwear Run prior to Ironman Hawaii began as a statement against the German European triathletes flagrantly wearing Speedos about town during the week of the race. Speedos are triathlon's version of the mullet, only without being awesome. Don't wear one. 

Rule 2: Sleeveless Jerseys are Senseless

No offense to those of you that wear them, but sleeveless jerseys should not exist. You might as well tie your jersey into a knot and hike it up to bare your midriff. I would even contend that if all triathletes and recreational cyclists would abolish the wearing of sleeveless jerseys, racing road cyclists might finally ease the tension in their bib-shorts and unpucker a little. If you are wearing your racing top in preparation for battle while on your tri bike, that's another matter. But if you get too warm during your training camp in Tucson, try rocking a tight-fitting, race-cut jersey from Castelli with one of their skin-cooling fabrics. 

Rule 3: Pretend Your Helmet Bursts Into Flames Any Time You Step Off The Bike

Cycling is a beautiful and noble sport, but step off from your steed and leave your helmet on and you'll look either like an impotent mushroom or spandex-clad alien depending on the style of your lid. Now, just as in racing, make sure to put your helmet on before you mount and dismount before removing it, but don't let the removing be delayed too long after the dismounting. Upon removing your helmet, strap it stylishly to your bike as demonstrated in this photo, with the straps of the helmet clipped either under or around the stem:

Rule 4: The Only Acceptable Racing Apparel for a Running Race is a Singlet with Running Shorts

I like to joke, when people ask me why I like cycling/triathlon, that I do it because it's the only socially acceptable way that I can wear spandex in public. That being said, it's really not socially acceptable, especially among runners who race. Just like how you should wear a triathlon suit in a triathlon, in running you should wear what the top runners wear, your being accustomed to compression garments be damned. For example, if you're running the Seattle Marathon in the winter in preparation for Ironman Couer d'Alene the following June, don't rock your tri race kit. You'll look like, well, a weird guy/gal in spandex among a bunch of people in normal clothes. Like the feeling of compression on your legs? Wear black spandex shorts underneath your running shorts. But don't give runners any reason to justifiably call us weird- that's like a toddler calling you immature. 

Rule 5: Walk Your Bike By Gently Holding The Saddle

In the above images, Macca and Chrissie both lovingly guide their machines with one hand. Yes, you're reading that right- walk your bike one-handed by the saddle and you have a guaranteed, 100% chance to win Kona at least twice!  

Accustomed to walking your bike by the handlebars, the front-end hampered by your over-bearing grip and twitching about over the grass of the transition zone? Leaving T1 in a daze, leaning over your ride and running along with both arms on the basebars of your bike as though you were pushing some empty, overly-expensive stroller? Yes, me too. At least at one point. Then I woke up and embraced that which is the greatest form of movement- walking casually as you guide your bike with one arm gently, almost callously, resting on the saddle. Your machine returns the trust that you place in it through playfully bouncing over rough ground in a seemingly miraculous straight line, as others gaze upon you and are practically sunburned by the sheer confidence you exude. Come your transitions, you run at nearly a full sprint while your bike bounds along beside you, as though you are racing each other to the mount line or back to your station. There really is no other way to conduct a bicycle when it's not powered by your feet. 

There you have it- 5 easy steps to feeling and, more importantly, looking, fabulously stylish and stylishly fabulous in training and at the races. 

Either that, or more importantly, race like Chrissie and do whatever-the-hell-you-want while smiling. Crush the rest of your gender by half-an-hour in a race and, rather than following arbitrary style guidelines, whatever you do becomes the standard. But seriously- and that was totally serious- the most stylish thing you can do out there is simply have fun and race hard.